Words to the Wise: Leaving conflict behind

When talking about leaving a tough situation with a friend, this wise friend threw out the metaphor of leaving "firing shots over your shoulder" and how that's how some leave tough situations, trying to inflict pain on others as they leave.  I really latched onto that picture of a cowboy riding away from a fight on a horse in the old West.  At full gallop, the cowboy would look back and fire a couple of shots at the enemy as he left trying to pick off a bad guy or to do as much damage as he could.  After thinking on that picture and had some thoughts about parallels that are flaws in the "shooting over the shoulder" strategy in leaving a tough situation. 

One, shooting over the shoulder isn't very accurate, especially speeding away on a horse, so they never hit what they intended to hit.  They don't really ever damage any of their targets.  When you leave, those shots never make it back to those that hurt you, so they are usually completely oblivious to your gunshots...or one might get through out of nowhere and then everyone around wonders why in the world you'd be so cruel to do that, because those innocent bystanders in close proximity have no knowledge of the situation.

Two, because they have no accuracy, they usually cause damage that they never intended.  The only possible people who get "hit" by things are those people that those fleeing on horseback have a relationship with that have deal with them.  Think about it...you don't hang out with the folks that hurt you, you hang out with the folks that love you.  Whether a new relationship or an old one (pre-dating their hurt), friends are forced to relive the pain with the rider time after time.  It might be a relationship from the place of pain that didn't have a part in the hurt, but constantly feels the need to either apologize or exist in a vat of hard feelings against others because they are have to interact with them.  It could be the rider's spouse or children or just good friends..they take a bullet(s)...either way, you end up really just shooting your own team.

Three, they never really truly leave the situation.  Getting farther and farther away, as they lose perspective on things, the details of what happened gets distorted and out of focus.  Their attention is focused on something they can't control and they waste their time with things they can't/wouldn't/won't fix.  The facts just get worse, like a caught fish just gets bigger each time you tell the "story", and they just stay one step away from the situation and the hurt.

In keeping their focus on what's behind, they are not able to deal adequately with the present.  It's like they ride away believing a rope is tethered to them and to the situation and to them, trapping them to that moment in time.  At any second, they are prepared to teleport themselves back to that moment in time, any time someone will listen to them re-tell the injustice.  They blame those in that place or those from that situation for never letting them leave, but, if they were to step back and examine the two ends of the "rope" carefully...they'd find one end in that situation just laying on the ground and the other end, not tied to them, but just grasped in their clenched fist.

Consequently, because they are ignoring the present, they also are unprepared for the future.  They usually crash into and destroy something in their future because they were unprepared for it, because they spent too much of their life looking back.  They never leave the past behind.

Ultimately, the greatest damage the rider ever does is to himself.  This damage usually becomes something that they blame on the tough situation and people in their past that just "ruined" them.  The truth is that it is their own toxicity that is eating them away from the inside.  It will continue to eat away long after the memory of the past has faded into nothingness, because anything that remotely resembles the pain becomes their new nemesis, drawing their ire and judgment.  Truly, the most dangerous and unhealthy thing of the situation is something that they carried away inside themselves...the inability to be secure in who they are and move on to the future that Christ provides.

Want to know if this is you?
What's the big hurt in your past?  Like the ol' "how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie pop" cartoon...how many comments does it take you to get full on mad about that situation/person?
Do you refer to it often? 
Do people know where you are going very early in the conversation?
Does it drive your decisions now?  Do you find yourself spending a lot of time building defenses to avoid getting in that situation again?  (Nothing wrong with avoiding a bad situation, but are you obsessed with doing so?)
Do you see trails leading to a repeat of that situation often?
And a real situation arises like it...how fast do you get into full strike mode?

Word to those who wish to be wise in their life...don't be this person, that's not Christlike, and living this way accomplishes nothing.  Drop the rope, leave it behind, forgive and set yourself free.

Easter blog series: Takes 1 to know 1, Dishing on Church Folk-We know everything about the Bible..

Having been in church most of my life, I know a lot of "church" people.  I've been lucky though, because I've been able to have a wide array of experience in my life and part of that is knowing a lot of people who aren't "church" people.  It's amazing what people not in church think about church folk...most of it due to experience with a "church" folk who has somehow become representative for everyone.

From my experience, I thought I'd dish on some church folk and some common thoughts about them that ARE and AREN'T true.

Myth:  We know everything about the Bible.  IN fact, so much, if I talk to church people, I'm just going to feel stupid trying to explore "spiritual things".

Here is a myth I can relate to.  You've got a document, roughly 2000 years old (some parts older, some not so much), that's basically been one of, if not THE most influential document in existence.  It's wisdom is culture-less, time-less, technology-less...it fits in every situation and it continues to last...and something that complex...can ANYONE be an expert on it?  The Bible in my bag is over 1000 pages...that's kind of standard, some are shorter, some are longer, but the truth is, all of them have the same verbiage roughly (different translations might choose "ran" over "sprinted"...6 of one)...it was written by men INSPIRED BY GOD, who no one can completely understand (it's unfathomable), so can anyone ever know everything there is to know?

Here's what's funny...if you are an Atheist, you intimidate church people lots of the time, because they feel like you've studied the Word and are armed with all these questions that are designed to hang them up that only a Seminary professor can answer...so, guess what, we think the same thing about YOU.

Here's the truth:  We are just trying to learn and apply...the stuff we learn is HARD to apply, it may take a moment for some, but years for others to understand...it's not an intelligence thing, it's an experience thing, that's based on experiencing life with God.

Some people outside church feel that people inside church know so much more about spiritual things and their questions might be seen as stupid, because you don't hear Christian people ask the question...so you think..."Oh I must be the only one that doesn't know".  It's been my experience in the church that on some subjects and everyone has them, they just keep their heads down and hope no on calls on them...they feel the same way.  They can't articulate it.

We took the Lord's Supper (or Communion) last week and I had a man pull me aside.  He said he'd been a Christian for almost 8 years and didn't know if he should take it...we talked about it and he found out that he absolutely should.  Because he was brave enough to ask the question (fair enough after 8 years), I got to talk with him about it, he has an informed position about it and he can explain that to someone else.

Why does this happen?  Well, sometimes, we, as leaders, tell this stuff so much, we gloss over basic details.  We might use a term, like "justification"*** (see below), that carries a lot of meaning, assuming that everyone knows what's up with that...they might not, or they might get the concept, but not have it associated with that word, so there's a disconnect.  

Sometimes there's processes in the church that are confusing that we've just learned to navigate by attending over and over, that we've come to accept...but confuses a new person at church because it doesn't make sense.  The Bible makes sense, but a lot of the time, we humans make it sound like it doesn't...that's on us, and it's because we are learning.

When I talk to the people at Bay West on Sundays, I try very hard to make sure that I address any "elephants in the room" in communication.  I try to make sure that everyone understands that questions are "the devvvle" (to quote Bobby Bouche's mom in Waterboy).

Sometimes, church people have this immense pressure when a religious questions arises...  1 Peter 3:15 tells us to this "Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you."  It's almost like the room goes into slow motion...all the lights dim and the spotlight goes on you and Regis goes "final answer?" in some "Who wants to be a millionaire" moment, but instead of losing the "million" dollars, you feel like you are about to send someone to Hell with the next words you say.  That verse is not talking about being able to settle every spiritual conundrum that has every come up...it's about being able to quickly point to Jesus Christ for the reason that you have hope and do what you do...that answer is EASY.  Another Bible verse puts it this way (2 Timothy 2:15) "Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a workman who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth."  That says do your best, not if you are learning and don't know it all, you are dismissed from Heaven...lighten up, God is using your life to teach you and for you to teach others, as sub-plots to the big plot of REVEALING who He is to all of us.

It's that important that we help others out...it's intimidating at times...but taking that pressure on yourself is not productive in the moment.  I try to be informed, but if I don't know, making something up is worse...better to be honest (that's what the Bible tells us to do, see how that works).

If I don't know something, I'll flat tell you most of the time.  If things are working right, I'll try to find someone smarter than me or if it's a matter that there is no clear solution, I'll tell you.  I think as the leader, if it's okay for me to have a question, it makes everyone more open to share their questions about things, so we all can be used by God to teach each other.

I'm not perfect either...no one likes to be wrong and the more you expected to know (like a pastor), the easier it is for you to fall into the trap of saving your rep...If I'm feeling prideful and have an "I-don't-want-to-look-bad" moment, I might try to hem-haw.  I think all people can fall into that...

So, if you come to church as a first timer or someone who hasn't been in a while, don't be afraid to ask questions...the truth is, your fresh take might bring up something that others need answered...it might clear up something that we've communicated by "taking for granted" that everyone understands something back down the line that we didn't explain well.

I'm not an expert...here's what I am.  I'm a guy, as the Campus Pastor and leader, that believes that God specifically called him out to lead.  It's not because God thinks I'm especially smart...it's not because God thinks I'm especially holy...it's not because God thinks I'm the best Christian there is (or in the local vicinity -- let's clear that up, I'm not).  Then why did He call me?  Because through me being obedient and trusting Him to lead people to Him, He will show His glory and accomplish His plan...part of it might even be the world thinking "how in the world did THAT happen with that guy playing a prominent leadership role --- he's a moron."  God's been doing stuff like that for centuries...while He uses the smart and talented, He also calls the ignorant and the seemingly untalented, so ALL kinds are in the church, not just the ones who know everything about the Bible.

Church people are just learning, no different than anyone else...let's do it together and help each other.  That's why church is here.  That's it.  We don't bite and if we do, doesn't that prove that we need Jesus all the more.

What does that mean for non-church people?  Lighten up...your church going friend will not have every verse in the Bible memorized and can make a mistake.  You don't have to know it all to go to church either.

What does that mean for church people?  Lighten up...if you don't know, say you don't know.  God won't disown you if you tell the truth...

***Incidentally, if you were wondering, justification is just the process by which God justifies us being a part of His family forever (Jesus' death for our sin, our acceptance of that belief and following Christ with our lives -- )  It's not just forgiving us, but it's making us "righteous" or "just" or satisfying the Law of God -- kind of like Him paying the fine, we aren't just forgiven of it, God makes it right for us.

Blog series: Takes 1-2-Know-1: Dishing on Church Folk-We're perfect (or think we are).

Having been in church most of my life, I know a lot of "church" people.  I've been lucky though, because I've been able to have a wide array of experience in my life and part of that is knowing a lot of people who aren't "church" people.  It's amazing what people not in church think about church folk...most of it due to experience with a "church" folk who has somehow become representative for everyone.

From my experience, I thought I'd dish on some church folk and some common thoughts about them that ARE and AREN'T true.

MYTH #1:  Church people have it all worked out perfect with perfect lives (or they act like they do, but secretly, they don't).  It's funny that this is a common theme among folks.  Honestly, I've seen evidence to back the parenthetical part of this statement on more than one occasion, but a greater understanding of this myth let's you know it's not true.  I'll show you why it's ironically comical that this is a rep for people in church.

One...I've never met anyone on the Earth, that,in their right mind, in a totally honest moment, that thinks they are perfect...in the church or out.  I'm not sure that person exists.  I've seen arrogant people before, but usually, in my experience, that's really just subconscious/conscious overcompensation for weaknesses that they are really trying to hide or have yet to admit.

Two, one of the most fundamental beliefs of Christianity is that in the same way, ALL of us are imperfect and have NO chance to achieve it on our own.  The very fact that anyone walks into church and/or enters into a relationship with Christ is admitting that you are NOT perfect...that you are flawed.

This sparks a couple of other questions:

Why do some of them "act" like they are perfect?

- The easy answer is because they aren't.  Acting like you are, like anyone on the planet, is proof that you aren't perfect, because no one is.

Another reason is ignorance.  Some people still haven't learned what it means to admit your imperfections.  It means that you are always 100% flawed, but you are always trying to connect with a perfect God.  While God is moving us toward being complete or perfect one day, that's not done the moment you decide to follow Christ...some folks don't know what to do with that.

Another reason is insecurity.  It's not easy to admit your weaknesses to others, even though that's what the Bible asks us to do.  Some people mistakenly think that acting more "disgusted" or "appalled" at the acts that sin comes out as in a person's life, somehow makes them seem to be more right with God.  All that does is cause people to be moreActually, insecurity is fueled by pride.  We all want to look like we know what's going on and, true to form with our condition, we aren't...it causes some problems.

Another reason is misguided expectations.  Some people actually believe that when they enter a relationship with Christ that somewhere, somehow, they'll achieve this (pardon the expression) "Zen-like state" where nothing bothers them, nothing ever goes wrong, they never do anything wrong or make a mistake again and the sin nature that's part of of every person on the planet just goes away.  Not true.  Following Jesus' path is a way to deal with the effects of sin and because of Jesus' leadership and strength, we can have the power, the understanding and the awareness to choose a choice that isn't controlled by sin in our life, but to think that we will never struggle again is foolish.  For me, as I've grown in Christ and learned more about Him, I've actually found MORE things that I need Christ for, rather than less, and that's exactly how it's supposed to go as we grow in Him.

Another reason is that there is an enemy who wants us to fail.  The Bible tells us the Devil is alive and well and is trying to get us to be stupid and hurt others...like we aren't capable of doing it on our own because of our own problems.  He helps confuse people into thinking that if you are a Christ follower, then you hate sin, then you have to be perfect and hate people who aren't and then if you aren't a Christ follower, then you can't be one because you sin...it's flawed logic, but it's amazing how many people buy into it.

Basically in a nutshell, here's a Christian...an imperfect person who is resigning himself/herself to the fact that they can't make it on their own, but realizes that there really is a solution to making it through life and they've found Him.  His name is Jesus.  Now, they are trying to learn to live in that situation. 

There's a great song by Natalie Grant that says this and it kind of sums up this topic.  "There's no such thing as perfect people, there's no such thing as a perfect life, so come as you are, broken and scarred, lift up your heart and be amazed...and be changed by a perfect God."  The truth is that you've got to learn to exhibit grace to others, just as you receive it yourselves and that's how God planned for it to be.

This week, I'm going to try to deal with a few more dish on church folks subjects...hope this helps non-church folk understand church folk or maybe even, church folk understand themselves a little better.

The "last" weekend of an era

This weekend, we'll take another step in the changing of an era...we'll say "goodbye" to FBC's Senior Pastor Dr. Larry Bazer and his lovely wife, Gayle, in their role as "first couple" (so to speak, you know what I man) of FBC Melbourne.

For 25 years (he became the pastor here the year I graduated from high school and honestly before a lot of folks who'll read this were even born), Larry has been the leader of FBC Melbourne. He has baptized, counseled, married, buried, effected, launched into vocational ministry, taught, visited and cared for a boatload of people in his time here.

God has blessed and multiplied Larry & Gayle's influence to reach over county lines, church lines, state lines, country lines, denominational lines, philosophical lines and governmental lines in this area. Many of the churches in the area have been either started or guided or directly effected by his desire to teach, mentor and make disciples...which is shown by his reassignment to continue doing that fulltime in the US and the rest of the world by devoting himself fully to training/mentoring pastors from Melbourne to Ecuador to Panama to Romania and beyond.

We should be especially thankful for Larry's determination in following what God has set before him in Palm Bay. After many short-lived works in church planting, the Bay West Campus began in 2009, under his direct influence and work and we will hit 2 years next month....two months of being a church in Palm Bay, Florida. That's two years of continuous steady growth, leaving us poised to continue the growth of God's kingdom in a historically tough place to grow.

I think that as we celebrate the God who Larry follows with a different spin this weekend, we shouldn't ever forget that MANY churches have been started in Palm Bay (many in conjunction with FBC Melbourne during Larry's tenure), that have not made it as long as Bay West has. A lot of these churches struggled, but all of them were collectively part of God's work to get us to where we are now...just as Bay West is another link in the chain of God's work in Palm Bay, along with 63 or so more churches in Palm Bay currently trying to reaching 103,000 people approx.

Bay West is truly blessed and a lot of that has come from Larry's faithfulness in the midst of what the world would mistakenly call "failure". The truth is that we are as ill-qualified to pronounce the judgment of "failure" on something as we are ill-qualified to definitively say that all scientific discovery is over or that we have measured the Universe to the inch. God works and plans far beyond the scope of our analysis....so what does that mean for us personally?

Here is what it means. Do what you know honors God with every decision...no matter how small or how great, then let God judge the failure or success. Live this consistency in belief and in 25 years, maybe you'll look back at your journey and be pleasantly surprised at the trail that God has left in the wake of one God-honoring decision at a time...just like we are doing at the end of this era with Larry & Gayle, as they move on to a new thing in God's journey for them. Thanks, guys.